昨夜

        昨夜分三个部分,你说.

        第一个部分害怕,第二个部分疼,第三平静.

        昨夜是在沂河游泳度过的,水很凉,很远,很黑,那种颜色在调色板上调不出来,只有心里明白,知道那是颜色,而且是由很多很多颜色混合在一起的,分不清鲜艳的还是不鲜艳的,分不清前后,分不清上下,向远看,像是一个很长很长的过道,过道的颜色是深灰色的,没有生气,走在里面耳鸣.感觉不到心跳,又没有灯光,只有靠感觉分辨方向.其实那个通道根本就没有方向,因为那不是直的.也不是弯的，像有一种东西要压过来，被水包着。身体有一点被托起来的感觉，像有一个人，用手推车推着你往前走，脸朝着天，四肢很松的放在车上，车在往前慢慢的走，中途穿过两座楼，在有天的地方看到了太阳被月亮慢慢的盖住了，天开始黑了，四周很静，都在抬头看天，没有人停下手中的活，我手里拿着一张黑白底片放在眼睛上面，原来天没有那么黑，片子挡了光，车还在往前走，月亮就真的毫不客气地把太阳爹爹挡起来了，就像一个人站在那，突然后面又站了一个更大的人。不知道的人还以为前面那个人已经走了。这两个人可能是兄妹，可能是父女，也可能是爱人，朋友，情人。。。总之，一个遮挡另外一个。

        她一直往前走了，很轻的样子，没有喘气，很快她就走远了。那个剪影还在，光还在，看得人还在，舞台还在，有的东西不在了。

        如果设想一下，他们站在舞台上，从他们的前方，打一束强光，我们只能看到一个剪影，如果其中一个不移动，甚至不喘气儿，你不可能知道什么叫变换。太阳爹爹大喘气了一下，给了你们一束大光，直射宇宙。舞台上的那个人，没有往左走，也没有往右走，我害怕光把一切消失，黑会把一切都给吃了，其实每个夜晚来临的时候就是这样，所以害怕的人发明了灯光。黑夜不是用来玩的，天黑了，就该睡觉了，没有谁会在黑夜里能把眼睛睁一夜。为什么白天可以睁一天眼？

        第二个疼，疼是一个经历，谁都经历过，疼和痛好像有点不一样。好了，今天就写到这儿吧。

Last Night were three things for you, you said.
Fear, pain, and peace.
My last night was spent at Yi River. The river was cold and dark, stretched very far away. It took on a color that you can feel deep in your heart, but it is just not possible to paint it out. You know exactly what it is. But you cannot say it’s one color or many colors. It’s like a mass, a huge mass with no gradations and no edges. But if you look in the distance, it became a passage, a deep and dark tunnel. No light. No air. All there is the deadly grey, and your humming head and thumping heart. No way out. As the tunnel is going nowhere. It feels like a flood would come in from anywhere and at anytime. And the feeling was like floating in the sky, and pulled in a cart by someone, with arms dangling in the air, very relaxing and effortless. The cart was moving very slowly through a few blocks.  In the sky the sun was overshadowed by the moon.
The night started to fall and it quieted down everywhere. People were looking up to the sky while going on with their stuff. I held up a black-white film and looked through into the sky. The sky looked not that dark through the film and when the cart was moving on the sun became totally shadowed by the moon, like a man screened by a bigger body standing behind. You would think there is only one person left which turned out to be two people. And it could be a brother and sister, or father and daughter, or a couple, or friends, or lovers…Nevertheless; it is one screening the other one. 
Imagine the two are standing on the stage with a beam of light shooting over from the front; all you can see is one silhouette. If neither of them moves, or breathes, you will just have no idea of what’s so called transformation. Now the sun puffed and blew a great light through to the universe. The person left on the stage, without going any other way, she just went straight forward, slowly and softly, and soon disappearing in sight. The silhouette was still there, the light still there, the audience there, same with the stage, only the person no longer there.
I have such fear that light will eliminate everything, and the darkness will eat up everything, especially when night is here. I think that’s why people who are afraid of darkness invented lighting bulbs. But in the night, people are supposed to sleep and rest instead of playing for fun. No one would stay awake the whole night in the darkness. But how can people stay eyes open the whole day?
Then it’s the pain. Pain is an experience everyone has had throughout their lives. But pain and grief are still different. Well, let’s stop here and continue tomorrow.