平静

        信里这么说,我先发一条：在哪呢？回了一条：在呢。

        一天过去了,我在水里一边呼吸,一边想。在水里呼吸可真不流畅,吸不了,只能呼。就怕被水呛着,所以每次吸一口气，在水里憋着，慢慢放。四条腿划了几下，再出来，吸一口气，四条腿的次序就乱了，在呼吸一口气，把腿和胳膊的位置梳理一下，再把头整个身子埋在水里往前走。人在水里真的很轻松，烦会没有，疼会没有，没有就没有。我在想，这些日子为什么会写疼呢？那痛是什么？为什么疼痛老是会连在一起用？
        疼是一种记忆，痛是一种理解或者是一种不可思议的理解。到底理解什么啦，会这么痛呢？纠缠是一种痛，委屈是一种痛，不被理解是一种痛，牙疼牙痛，为什么叫牙疼不叫牙痛？如果有个人突然说牙痛，大家都会看他一眼，这人从那来的，说的是哪国语言？可见，疼是物理现象，痛是精神现象。比方说头疼，一般都说头疼，说头痛的也有，很少。有时候头疼拉，就会说头痛。显然，脑子错乱会这么说。

        痛和心连在一起，疼和肉连在一起。

        我还在拼命的往前划水，月亮照在我的细胳膊上，耳边有水花飞了，左手抱着月光划了一下，右手也抱着月光划了一下，在月光下游泳特别梦幻，身体和水的关系也和平时不一样，不像是人到了水里，倒像是一个想象被慢慢的放到了水里边，水是另外一个世界，有浅滩，更多的地方是深不见底，所以你会害怕，害怕深不见底的地方让你过去，有的时候脚一蹬水，脚后有好几种温度的水划过，你会觉得特别新奇。特别恐惧。脚后冒出来的水温度怎会不一样呢？

        其实游过泳的人都知道，水的每一层温度都是不一样的，它平静的在那呆着，你一出现，破坏了水的温度，也打乱了它的风度。

        就要上岸了，这次游泳可能是这个夏天最后一次了，也是游的最长的一次，也是第一次在夜里横渡一条大河，河水很清，透明，透亮，发绿不发蓝，水也很深哦，还有很多暗流。冬天的时候结了很厚的冰，很多人在上面凿洞钓鱼。去年春节里的一天，听说也是可以在河上最后钓鱼的一天，冰已经开始融化，不能承受更多的人了，我很欣喜这种感受，走在上面，冰，吱吱嘎嘎的裂开声，冰太软了，每踩一脚都会把水洇上来，人在冰面上的一起一扶，真恐怖，也许脚底下正是我今晚游过的地方，冬天从上面走过去，夏天可以游过去。其他的时候呢？我想应该是飞过去。对，就是飞过去。

        今晚在游泳的时候，其实大量的时候也已经像是在飞，像身子骨有人托着往前飞，这和在天上飞不一样。在往前划水的时候，有一条很小的小白鱼，挤到我脚丫里了，把我吓一跳！我没有第三只手把它赶走，那种痒直往心里钻，疼和痒连在一起，看来这是最大的罪。估计那鱼比我还害怕。你想啊，你在水里游着游着，突然一个巨大的东西把你夹住，从腰间夹着，也能喘气，老咳嗽，就是动弹不了，失去自由，想着想我也害怕啦！如果这个时候有一个巨大的东西，把我拦腰夹住，比方说绿巨人，或者说大水怪，绿巨人还会说，我痒啊～疼啊～，我会怎么想？我都快被你夹死了，你就不要太矫情了。我终于一使劲儿，让五个脚指张开啦一下，小鱼，向我挥了挥尾巴，走了。

        我一脚踩到地了，身体终于站起来了，老躺着不行，老漂着也不行。浑身湿漉漉的，活脱一个落汤鸡，但是我心里却像被洗了一样轻松和干净。这一夜的经历，语言好像说不清楚，更多是心里的感受，体验，默默的，好像人在默默的时候，那种感受更真实。

        上岸和上坡不一样，和上楼不一样，和上山不一样，好像岸有界，前后是不一样的，而且是明显的不一样。

        是的。。。

You texted me a message, asking, are you there?
 I told you, yes..
Another day passed, I was thinking of this when breathing in the water. It’s annoying that you can only exhale but not inhale air in the water. So every time you breathe in the air before you can relieve it under water slowly. You stroke your legs and arms in turn before you come up to breathe. But if your limbs are disordered, you will need to come up again to take another breath to put them back in place before you duck in again. In the water, there is no trouble, no pain, nothing other than relaxation. I was wondering why I felt so much pain lately. And what’s the sorrow about? Why do pain and sorrow always go together?
Pain is a memory. Grief is an understanding or in conceivable understanding. But what’s the understanding about that makes it so sorrow? It can be a sorrow when you feel perplexed, treated wrongly, misunderstood, also when you are suffering from tooth problems.  If a person says it’s painful to have a toothache, some people might give him a strange look because people who never have such problems can not understand that pain. That also explains that pain is physical, and sorrow is psychological. It’s insane to say that a headache is sorrowful but it can be very painful. 
Sorrow is in heart, and pain from body.
I kept on stroking my way in the water, with the moon setting its light on my arms and the water splashes.  I embraced the mellow moonlight with both of arms when I swam forward. It’s in a dream swimming in the moonlight and it’s like being embraced by the water, when you immerge your body in the water. In the water, it’s like another world. There are shallow and also unfathomable places.  When you swim through the really deep water, you could feel a mixed temperature of water gliding past your feet, which would give you a nice surprise but can also be frightening. How come the same water could feel different temperatures?

 It’s common knowledge to people who swim that water temperature varies at different depths and it keeps a balance until someone disturbs the tranquility and the temperature will change and mix accordingly.
     
I almost reached the bank of river before I realized this might be the last time for this summer, and this is my longest journey and also my first experience of crossing a river in midnight. The water was crystal clear and radiating bluish green. The water was deep and underwater were lots of dark currents.  In winter, the river would freeze and grow thick ice where people would go and fish in the ice holes. I still remembered the day last year when was told to be last day that suits fishing on ice. After that, the ice started to melt and if people walk on the ice, you could hear ice crackling and feel water coming up, which is quite scary.  I was thinking this could just be the place where I swam past last night. In winter people can walk past on ice and swim under across in water in summer, but how about the rest time? Well yes, flying across, I think.
When I was swimming across the river tonight, I already felt like flying, but instead of flying in the sky, it felt more like being held and pulled on by someone underneath. When I was stroking, a small white fish got stuck between my toes. I was scared but I had no spare hand to drive it off . I felt so itchy that it finally became a pain. And I think it’s really a sin as I thought the fish might be more frightened than me. It was just swimming as any fish does but all of a sudden, it hit on a huge body and got stuck! It could breathe but just couldn’t escape as it’s caught on the waist. There is no worse thing than being ripped of freedom. I was even frightened by this thought myself. What was I supposed to think and do if I were caught by a green monster who also complained that I hurt him? Thinking of this, I let loose my toes and let free the little fish. Off it went, with a few strokes of its tale.
My feet touched down and there I stood up. I can not stand myself lying or floating for too long. There I was, soaked through, like a drowned rat, but inside, I felt like baptized, clean and free. It’s hard to express my feelings of the night in a few words, but it’s definitely something that you feel from bottom of your heart. It’s just as though it can only be felt that way.
Reaching to the strand is anther thing from going up a slope, or upstairs, or uphill. A strand is clearly lined from the water, and the lines change over time, clearly.
Yes…