作品＜窃窃私语＞后感

        The series of works called "whisper to each other" , which were finished by the end of last Fall ,had  recieved the gold rewards in Fan sculpture exhibition in Shanghai  .Its oringinal and creative idia comes from consideration for  some feelings about marriage ,romance,love,sex and so on. From first crush to marriages to divorce,it can happen to anyone at anytime,even to the celebrities,romence is an eternal topic.And the following related article is to discuss somehhing about it, let us share with this  passage.
        Why Marriages Fail
        These days so many marriages end in divorce that our most sacred vows no longer ring with truth . ‘’Happily ever after “ and ’’Till death do us part” are expressions that seem on the way to becoming obsolete .Why has it become so hard for couples to stay together ? What goes wrong? What has happened to us that close to one –half of all marriages are destined for the divorce courts? How could we have created a society in which 42 percent of our children will grow up in single-parents homes? If statistics  could only measure loneliness, regret ,pain loss of self-confidence and fear of the future ,the numbers would be beyond quantifying.
        Even though each broken marriage is unique ,we can still find the common perils, common causes for marital despair. Each has crisis points and each marriage tests endurance , the capacity for both intimacy and change. Outside pressures such as job loss, illness, infertility, trouble with a child ,care of aging parents and all the other plagues of life hit marriage the way hurricanes blast our shores . Some marriages survive these storms and others don’t.. Marriages fail ,however ,not simply because of the outside weather but because the inner climate becomes too hot or too cold , too turbulent or too stupefying .  
        When we look at how we choose our partners and what expectations exists at the tender beginnings of romance ,some of the  reasons for disaster become quite clear . We all select with unconscious  accuracy  a mate who will recreate with us the emotional patterns of our first homes. Dr Carl.A.Whitaker, a marital therapist and emeritus professor of psychiatry at the University of Wisconsin explains, “From early childhood on ,each of us carried models for marriage ,femininity ,masculinity ,motherhood ,fatherhood and all the other family roles.” Each of us fall in love with a mate who has qualities off our parents , who will help us rediscover both the psychological happiness and miseries of our past lives . We may think we have found a
        unlike Dad, but then he turns to drink or drugs ,or loses his job over and over again or sits silently in front of the T.V just the way Dad did . A man may choose a women who doesn’t like kids just like his mother or who  gambles away the family savings just like his mother .Or he may choose a slender wife who seems un like his obese  mother but then turns out to have other addictions that destroy their mutual happiness.
        A men and a woman bring to their marriage bed a blended concoction of conscious and un conscious memories of their parents lives together. The human way is to compulsively repeat and repeat the patterns of the past .Sigmund Freud so well described the unhappy design that many of us get trapped in ; the unmet needs of childhood ,the angry feelings left over from frustrations of old fears. Once an individual senses this entrapment ,there may follow a yearning to escape, and the result could be  a broken. Splintered marriage .
        Of course people can overcome the habits and attitudes that developed in childhood .We all have hidden strengths and  amazing capacities for growth and creative change .Change ,however , requires work – observing your parting the rotten pattern , bringing difficulties out into the open – and work runs counter to the basic myth of marriages :’’ When I wed this person all my problems will be over . I will achieved success and I will become the center of life for this other person and this person will be my center , we will mean everything to each other forever .’’ This myth ,which every marriage relies on , is soon exposed . The coming of children ,the pulls and tugs of their  demands on affection and that basic myth of  meaning everything to each other ,of merging together and solving all of life’s problems.
        Concern and tension about money take each partner away from the other .Obligations to demanding parents or still-depended-upon parents create further strain. Couples today must deal with all the cultural changes brought in recent years by women’s movement and sexual revolution . The altering of roles and the shifting of responsibilities have been extremely trying for many marriages .
        These and other realities of life erode the visions of marital bliss the way sandstorms eat at rock and the ocean nibbles away at the dunes. Those euphoric ,grand feelings that accompany romantic love are really self-delusions, self-hypnotic dreams that enable us to forge a relationship .
        Real life , failure at work ,disappointments, exhaustion, bad smells, bad colds and hard times all puncture the dream and leave us stranded with our mate ,with our childhood patterns pushing us this way and that ,with our unfulfilled expectations.
        The struggle to survive in marriage requires adaptability ,flexibility, genuine love and kindness and an imagination strong enough to feel what the other is feeling . Many marriages fall apart because either partner cannot imagine what the other wants or cannot communicate what he or she needs or feels. Anger builds until it erupts into a volcanic burst that buries the marriage in ash.
        It is not hard to see ,therefore, how essential communication is for a good marriage.  A man and a woman must be able to tell each other how they feel and why they feel the way they do ,otherwise they will impose on each other roles and actions that lead to further unhappiness . In some cases ,the communication patterns of childhood---of not talking of too much , of not listening ,of distrust and anger, of withdrawal---spill into the marriage and prevent a healthy exchange of thoughts and feelings . The answer is to set up new patterns of communication and intimacy.
        At the same time , however, we must see each other as individuals .”to achieve a balance between separateness and closeness is one of the major psychological tasks of all human beings at every stage of life ,’’says Dr.Stuart Bartle, a psychiatrist at the New York University Medical Center .
        If we sense from our mate a need for too much intimacy, we tend to push him or her away ,fearing that we may lose our identities in the merging of marriage. One partner may suffocate the other partner in the childlike dependency.
        A good marriage means growing as a couple but also growing as individuals. This isn’t easy . Richard gives up his interest in carpentry because his wife ,Helen ,is jealous of the time he spends away from her . Karen quits her choir group because her husband dislikes the friends she makes there . Each pair clings to each other and are angry with each other as life closes in on them . This kind of marital balance is easily thrown as one or the other pulls away and divorce follows.
        Sometimes people pretend that a new partner will solve the old problems. Most often extramarital sex destroys a marriage because it allows an artificial split between the good and the bad __the good is projected on the new partner and the bad is dumped on the head of the old . Dishonesty ,hiding and cheating create walls between men and women . Infidelity is just a symptom of trouble . It is a symbolic complaint , a weapon of revenge, as well as an unraveler of closeness . Infidelity is often that proverbial last straw that sinks the camel to the ground .